Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Feeling of Pathetic

I have to admit something: sometimes I feel very foolish in both thoughts and actions. A lesser way of describing this phenomenon is what I now call "feeling pathetic". But this "feeling pathetic" should not be confused with helplessness -- rather it is the feeling of helplessness when in fact knowing there are tangible things to do. In other words, choosing to be helpless/weak/inadequate and ignoring the obvious truth.

Case in point: I am in love with this girl called Mandy and I obviously can't stop thinking about her. This testament may generate the "aww" or other romantic sentiments but, in reality, I know fully well how she feels about me (at least at this point in time). But instead of facing reality and living in complete trust of God and His plans for me, I worry incessantly about things like whether Mandy truly dislikes me, whether she has found someone else, and how life could be otherwise with her by my side. This is bad because these thoughts are very effective at distracting me from my current engagements (e.g. work) -- leading to daydreams and other ways of fantasizing. Perhaps more pathetically, I often find myself unwilling to deal with these thoughts and willingly choose to let them consume my energies. First example of feeling pathetic.

Another good illustration of this phenomenon is when I indulge my urge to control and plan out my future. Mandy-related plans aside, I often succumb to desires to plan out my life in the future. Not just the next few weeks or months, but years in advance. For example, one of the thoughts that has stayed with me recently has been what to do after I obtain my Masters degree in Finance. Do I seek to work for banks or hedge funds and seek to maximize my salary? Or perhaps do something else like focusing on personal development (read: own family)? This is pathetic because I absolutely cannot control the future and readily acknowledge that things just happen some times. But acknowledging this feeling of pathetic-ness does little to resolve the actuality of being pathetic.

Upon further reflection, these feelings of pathetic may have arisen from straying away from the concrete foundation that has anchored my life over the past few years. This is my spiritual life and my relationship with God. For one, I have ceased morning prayer and even reading the gospel -- when I have told myself many times that I would. Instead of trusting in God completely, I let fears and other anxieties get the better of me. I have to change...starting today.

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