Thoughts on "First Love" and "Family Strife"

[I know. I've been bad again at posting on this blog. 'Tis what it is...]

Figured I'd spend some time on sharing some thoughts I've had over the past few days on two concepts/ideas that have weighted upon me.

"First Love"
The first is the idea of a "first love", defined in romantic terminology as someone who one falls for utterly and completely. It's not a new concept but one that has been often discussed and experienced even more since the dawn of mankind. To put it simply, I think everyone at some point in their lives meets their "first love". Whether or not that special person becomes something else, something more, is entirely another question.

For those who have read other postings on this blog, you know that I have been very much obsessed with a girl named Mandy. She is incredible, gorgeous, quirky, amazing, and....doesn't like me back. I have tried again and again but to no avail. A couple of months ago I found out she would be leaving this country completely for a doctorate elsewhere, and was inevitably turned down for the last time (in a farewell dinner though, not even a date...). Amidst all the ensuing doom and gloom, I noticed something very peculiar about my thoughts and disposition toward Mandy -- I still really like her, immediately willing to forget all the past disappointment if she gives me the chance. Now this sounds utterly irrational, doesn't it?

I think the underlying reason for my irrationality is that, simply put, she is my "first love". Although it's an artificial construct molded out of feelings and sentiments, it nonetheless can captivate us to the point of not wanting to let go and move on. Oftentimes we'd rather be dwell on this one person -- than being open to our surroundings and others around us. In words, forsaking a "first love" is akin to tossing out an identity that maybe we shouldn't have -- but ultimately did-- nurture. I'm going to go a step further in my definition though. Unlike "crushes" or "fancies", a "first love" is different in that it's the first time we have been willing to bet our future on someone else -- like we would have done whatever for this person. In my own example, in hindsight the possibility of being together with Mandy probably shaped my post-college decision to move back to the same city she was living in. I suppose now it just feels incredibly disappointing to not have this aspiration work out.

"Family Strife"
The second thought is on the topic of family strife, most likely in terms of parents bickering/fighting between themselves. This one is dear to me as it addresses the situation with my own parents, who have been fighting erratically-yet-acrimoniously for the better past of the past 12 years. Personally, I feel that their points of contention are petty and both exhibit a shameful amount of pride. But their fighting being my reality, I have also striven to repair their relationship as much as I possibly could -- from washing dishes and doing other chores, to shielding my younger sibling from the blunt of their arguments. Until yesterday I thought that both parents have learned to be more respectful and caring toward one another, yet all it took was a spat over who was cooking dinner for this presumption to come crashing down.

Now I realize that this family strife will never end and, one day, will result in a divorce. There is simply too much animosity, stubbornness,  and unwillingness to turn the other cheek to save the marriage/relationship. Until it happens I will continue to pray and work toward preventing the breakup from happening but, as true now as it was 12 years ago, I am simply powerless to do anything. Perhaps the following quote from the character JD in the television show "Scrubs" best describes my sentiments on this matter:

"The mistake we make is thinking our parents will change. And maybe they did a better job than we give them credit for. And maybe there, amid all the crap they dumped on us, are some things worth keeping. Like a passion for something you never knew you had. Or the ability to constantly surround yourself with people who love you."

Reflecting in all of this, it seems this undesired strife also shaped my outlook and general disposition on my surroundings -- as a very optimistic individual, and someone easy to get along with.

Human Love : God's Love (Analogy)

I am by no means a theologian or even close to claiming one. But sometimes I develop ideas that may be interpreted as theology. The following is one of such ideas -- derived through my experiences of pursing Mandy. It's about the similarities between the dynamics of pursing a human interest and possibly with how God pursues us.

I shared this with a close friend last month and he said it was interesting. Just thought that I would share it with all of you (imaginary audience?) too.

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First the argument I will make is this: liking someone who doesn't really like you back is analogous to...God's love for us. Although this analogy holds true only for a fraction of the whole (of course), it has some legitimacy.

The main explanation is that when we like someone (the more appropriate term may be "fall in love"), we begin to care about this other person's life so much more. This special someone, the object of our affections, often comes into our thoughts and, if our affections are sincere, the end-goal of our actions will evolve into bringing happiness to this individual. Because when this person is happy, we inevitably become happy ourselves -- happiness begets happiness, joy upon joy. For those who have experienced this feeling, it's very much like a "high" (nothing associated with drugs, but strictly a state of mind). And even if we are rejected, these sentiments can linger and sometimes manifest into something even deeper (e.g. limerence).

The reason I think these human sentiment is analogous to God's love for us is due to our ignorance and, sometimes, even rejection of His love. God's love is unconditional for us and He always cares about us, but we can forget about this fact when temporal difficulties stray into our life. We are also prone to not realizing the depth of this love -- one that is full of grace and even ready to welcome us back with open arms (e.g. story of the prodigal son). In short, God loves us and we often do not realize it. Nor perhaps realize the depth of this love.

So you may begin how the analogy is starting to shape together. Just as the human object of our affections may be ignorant or even downright reject us, we similarly do the same to God. More disturbingly, the latter occurs much more frequent than the former. Is not the most important commandment "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and strength?" If so, then how often do we give God this undivided attention and worshipful praise He has commanded? For myself, the truth is my thoughts are on God only in moments of prayer or in fellowship with other Christians. The fact that God still loves us despite of our ignorance/rejection speaks volumes of the power of His grace, compassion, and also of the resurrection power.

Now, I can be quite wrong in conjuring this analogy. God's love resembles little of our human affections for one another. God's love is not prone to the imperfections that sin can perpetrate. But I think it is a very interesting analogy nonetheless -- one that allows me to understand a spiritual truth through human experiences. Perhaps more importantly, it brought awareness into an area which needs to be changed.

(Biblical) Love

Love is a powerful word, one that transcends across races, cultures, and even history. I am not going to dwell on the significance of the term -- nor of its connotations in the society we live in. For one, I do not have the time (final exams week, remember?) nor perhaps the extensive vocabulary to explain things thoroughly. The purpose of this blog post is to discuss the famous passage in the book of Corinthians on love.

Before diving into the actual passage, it is important to note that in the context of the Holy Bible, love is not defined in human expressions of affection for one another. It is never referred to in that context. Rather, love is always represented by the relationship God has with Creation (aka us). God's love for us is complicated: it is always unrelenting and without bounds, but can at times be perceived negatively for didactic reasons.

In terms of the actual passage from the book of Corinthians (1 Corinthians 13), my favorite translation is the one from the Message version. Below are the lines copied from biblegateway.com (thanks!):

The Way of Love

¹ If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. ²If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. ^3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

^8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

¹¹When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

¹²We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

Some context for the passage would be helpful. The apostle Paul is communicating to the newly established church in Corinth (in present day Greece?) about the significance of love. Amongst the reasons he raises this issue is the temptations faced by those living in the city of Corinth. Back in the Roman times, Corinth was notorious as a place of debauchery and corrupt by sin. Thus Paul urges the church in Corinth (hence the term "Corinthians") to stand fast and remember what love truly is -- as opposed to the public displays of sexuality around them.

I like the Message's translation of the passage due to the straightforward terminology used by the translator (Eugene Peterson I believe). A central point of Peterson's translation is not to focus on poetic metaphors and jargon, but instead to directly interpret biblical text using language anyone can understand without prior theological training. His translations can be controversial as debated by numerous theologians yet, on the whole, I think it definitely has merit and offers a refreshing account of the gospel.

Overall, this passage (as many of you probably know) describes love in its most desirable form. We all have heard that love ought to be "patient", "kind", "slow to anger", etc. but these quotations are often taken out of the context. Here, Paul describes how fellow Christians ought to treat their brothers and sisters in Christ and plainly states that love is the glue holding everything together. Nothing matters in the absence of this love. Yet at the same time, Paul emphasizes that while this love described derives from God's affection for us, our understanding of it is incomplete. We may think we know what love is through our daily experiences, but this is not true in the grand scheme of things. Our knowledge of God's love, even through many experiences, is only a fraction of the depth of this love. It is as if we only had a drop of water in the desert -- thirsting for even more.

In particular, I really like the translator's choice of adverbs in the last verse to describe faith, hope, and love respectively:

• "Trust steadily" -- our lives can resemble a roller coaster with its highs and lows, but in the end our trust in the Lord should be unrelenting. In other words, we must not let temporary problems cloud our faith in God and what His plans are for us.
• "Hope unswervingly" -- perhaps my favorite of the three, this speaks of hope that is always present and never ending. Our hope in the future ought to be absolute and never to be compromised for something else.
• "Love extravagantly" -- this describes God's love for us which, in a likewise manner, should also be how we love others. Others as in anyone else around us, regardless of any romantic affiliation. We all know to love, but doing so with extravagance may pose a challenge.

Limerence

According to Wikipedia, the untainted and unbiased source of all knowledge (satire alert), limerence is a psychological condition in which a person has uncontrollable attraction to another. This attraction is unique in that the individual also has an obsessive need to have his o her feelings reciprocated (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence).

Why am I discussing about this? Why because of Mandy of course. Over the past few weeks, I was delighted to discover that a very good friend of mine is interested in a roommate of Mandy's. We have since talked much about the current state of our relationships, in addition to the possibility of a double date. It's been very interesting actually...

At first it was apparent that my friend and I stood on different levels in our attraction/interest in our special other. For me, I liked Mandy for a few (3?) years now and I have long regarded her as the one who would make everything complete. For my friend, his interest is blossoming but it has only been a few months. We are similar in that we have both been turned down (I previously wrote in detail about my rejection). Nonetheless, it has been fun to speculate and strategize about future possibilities -- you could say there is a strong feeling of empathy for one another.

Now this has changed. We chatted yesterday morning, a long conversation in which he recounted how his affinity to his girl has developed into something more. I don't think the term "love" is yet appropriate but I got a sense that it definitely elevated to a higher level. There probably still remains a difference, but perhaps only by one degree whereas before it was two or three.

That being said, I think it is time to reevaluate where I stand currently with Mandy. In short, the honest answer is "not good" or "the same". We have not spoken to each other since she left for winter break and, despite seeing one another (I am sure she's seen me), we have not talked or anything. At times I think she purposely avoids me --and other times, I definitely try to avoid her. I think it's incredibly awkward...

...which comes back to the term I introduced in the beginning of this blog entry. Yesterday I was being "emo" (as my friend put it) and was searching around for the relevant music. Strangely, I came across Wikipedia entries on music by Bruno Mars and I chanced upon reading the term "Unrequited love" (for the song "Grenade"). I was immediately struck by this term, and thus proceeded to read about it. At first it seemed like a fitting description for my sentiments toward Mandy -- how the mere thought of her is often capable of conjuring a smile on my face-- but, as I consulted my dear friend, it seemed almost too serious. Now, I honestly love Mandy (or at very least am in love) with her, yet the term made me shudder. It seems both too serious and too deprecating. Therefore I continued my search and came across "limerence".

To be frank, limerence doesn't deviate much from what is described for "unrequited love". Limerence is more than just a crush: not only it is longer lasting, sometimes for many years, but the thinking is intrusive because it can paralyze thought processes through unending fantasy. It is also characterized by sudden mood swings between euphoria and despair, which depend on one's reflection about the chances of success. Finally, the affected individual often exhibits symptoms of addiction.

After reading these definitions and reflecting (I even re-read Mandy's "rejection email"), it dawned on me that in spite of stated plans to move on, my attempts have thus been half-hearted at best. Most of the time I still cling to the hope that she will one day do a 360, call me, and then everything will become a happily ever after. However, this is only fantasy kool-aid, one that I have drunk too much of already. I refuse to say never to the possibility, but I think the reality of those odds are closer to 1% than the 50% I have long ascribed to.

To help myself, I looked up a number of tips to help overcome the limerence for Mandy:

1. Accept that she doesn't feel the same for me.

2. Get my mind off her. Think about other things; refuse to fantasize (don't feed the monster).

3. Stay positive. Maybe express interest in another individual.

4. Laugh a lot and socialize with friends.

5. Avoid seeing her.

6. (And perhaps the most tricky one...) Do not resent her nor harbor any ill-feelings toward her.

Mandy

(Foreword: Mandy is not the name of the actual person, just a pseudonym for practical purposes. Let's just say I have an irrational fear of being identified.)

Mandy is the girl of my dreams. Actually, as the movie "500 Days of Summer" says so well, she is better than the girl of my dreams...because she is real. She is kind, beautiful, quirky, and absolutely amazing. (Affection can be very difficult to define -- and I almost certainly failed to define it here.)

Why do I like her? Aside from the reasons I just mentioned, I do not exaggerate when I say that she has the power to make me happy on any given day. It's funny because her mere presence can do that...which sounds vaguely pathetic... We also happen to share very similar religious beliefs, of similar age, and from similar cultural backgrounds.

(Yes, I am pretty much in love with Mandy.)

But unfortunately, Mandy does not feel the same about me. I know for certain because she has told me so herself. No reason was given.

(Yeah...I am going to stop writing this post. Not a happy subject...)