Why am I discussing about this? Why because of Mandy of course. Over the past few weeks, I was delighted to discover that a very good friend of mine is interested in a roommate of Mandy's. We have since talked much about the current state of our relationships, in addition to the possibility of a double date. It's been very interesting actually...
At first it was apparent that my friend and I stood on different levels in our attraction/interest in our special other. For me, I liked Mandy for a few (3?) years now and I have long regarded her as the one who would make everything complete. For my friend, his interest is blossoming but it has only been a few months. We are similar in that we have both been turned down (I previously wrote in detail about my rejection). Nonetheless, it has been fun to speculate and strategize about future possibilities -- you could say there is a strong feeling of empathy for one another.
Now this has changed. We chatted yesterday morning, a long conversation in which he recounted how his affinity to his girl has developed into something more. I don't think the term "love" is yet appropriate but I got a sense that it definitely elevated to a higher level. There probably still remains a difference, but perhaps only by one degree whereas before it was two or three.
That being said, I think it is time to reevaluate where I stand currently with Mandy. In short, the honest answer is "not good" or "the same". We have not spoken to each other since she left for winter break and, despite seeing one another (I am sure she's seen me), we have not talked or anything. At times I think she purposely avoids me --and other times, I definitely try to avoid her. I think it's incredibly awkward...
...which comes back to the term I introduced in the beginning of this blog entry. Yesterday I was being "emo" (as my friend put it) and was searching around for the relevant music. Strangely, I came across Wikipedia entries on music by Bruno Mars and I chanced upon reading the term "Unrequited love" (for the song "Grenade"). I was immediately struck by this term, and thus proceeded to read about it. At first it seemed like a fitting description for my sentiments toward Mandy -- how the mere thought of her is often capable of conjuring a smile on my face-- but, as I consulted my dear friend, it seemed almost too serious. Now, I honestly love Mandy (or at very least am in love) with her, yet the term made me shudder. It seems both too serious and too deprecating. Therefore I continued my search and came across "limerence".
To be frank, limerence doesn't deviate much from what is described for "unrequited love". Limerence is more than just a crush: not only it is longer lasting, sometimes for many years, but the thinking is intrusive because it can paralyze thought processes through unending fantasy. It is also characterized by sudden mood swings between euphoria and despair, which depend on one's reflection about the chances of success. Finally, the affected individual often exhibits symptoms of addiction.
After reading these definitions and reflecting (I even re-read Mandy's "rejection email"), it dawned on me that in spite of stated plans to move on, my attempts have thus been half-hearted at best. Most of the time I still cling to the hope that she will one day do a 360, call me, and then everything will become a happily ever after. However, this is only fantasy kool-aid, one that I have drunk too much of already. I refuse to say never to the possibility, but I think the reality of those odds are closer to 1% than the 50% I have long ascribed to.
To help myself, I looked up a number of tips to help overcome the limerence for Mandy:
1. Accept that she doesn't feel the same for me.
2. Get my mind off her. Think about other things; refuse to fantasize (don't feed the monster).
3. Stay positive. Maybe express interest in another individual.
4. Laugh a lot and socialize with friends.
5. Avoid seeing her.
6. (And perhaps the most tricky one...) Do not resent her nor harbor any ill-feelings toward her.