Friday, August 19, 2011

Closing of a Chapter (Mandy)

So we finally come to it, the ending of a chapter in my life with regard to this girl called Mandy. I have written about her extensively on this blog (look under the tag "Mandy"), namely because she had become such a major part of my life. Now it is all over. I can be a fool and continue my pursuit of her, but it would be in vain -- and plus, I promised her I would honor her decision.

One of the things I have been trying to more of it being straightforward with others and not "beat around the bush". Sadly, in hindsight Mandy and I could have had a relationship if not for my indirect approach to her. When I first met her almost 3 years ago, we were both college students taking part in a church conference. We quickly struck up a friendship due to being placed together in a group and talked to one another ever since -- albeit less frequent for the past year and a half. I will admit that it was love at first sight: she was stunningly beautiful, kind, and we appeared to get along very well. As a romantic person, I envisioned that we would later start a wonderful relationship that hopefully would have led to more. But that turned out to be just a beautiful dream.

To quickly recall what happened, I was turned down last winter after I finally mustered the courage to tell her about I felt toward her. (This is apparently a very unorthodox way of approaching a girl, as my roommate has since told me something about "playing the game".) Yet in my optimism and changed career fortunes, I decided to keep the hope alive and try again at another time. Last weekend during our beach retreat, I was pleasantly shocked to get her phone number with which, after some intense self-wrestling, I decided to ask her to get some coffee. We ended up settling on a phone call where I tried to ask her out again ("...I would like to take you out Saturday..."). Needless to say, she turned me down again and stated that she feels she is not ready for a relationship at this time. We talked about a few other things like our future plans before hanging up.

At first I was surprised at how well I had taken her response. I was very disappointed of course, but I respected her decision and told myself that there really is nothing I could do. But the next day (a Monday), I woke up feeling very much lost -- a feeling that intensified as the day went on and eventually turned into a depression. I started to deeply regret having approached her again so soon after getting her phone number, in addition to the realization that her decision was finalized certain things. It was a miserable thing to feel as it also dawned on me that Mandy had been an inspiration for many things -- e.g. going to the gym and working out. After work, I headed home and held a long-and-frank prayer -- a "crying out" to the Lord about my disappointment and loss. Thereafter I hit rock bottom, and then started to expel the negative emotions that had taken hold. The past few days have been a steady climb back to my normal self. Yet I realized that this experience has changed me significantly.

Not only have I become a little more jaded about this aspect of relationships, I also started to view Mandy differently. She remains a pretty amazing person, but I also came to see her as someone who is averse to taking chances. Or at very least slightly lacking for empathy; empathy is quite different from pity (for the record, I'd hate to go out on a pity date). I had put myself out there twice for her --something very difficult for guys to do-- yet she would not bulge. Is this because she's scared? If so, I have been absolutely terrified! I think a lot of times, women have this false impression that men are generally insensitive and therefore can be treated as such. However, that is a gross over-generalization: it takes tremendous courage and resolve to ask someone out. I went for it and chased after something that had become dear to me. I guess I am just deeply disappointed that I did not even get a chance to interview.

In sum, it is high time to bury this dream I have held onto for so long. It's the best for everyone involved. Looks like she is ultimately the Estella to my Pip, or the fire that might consume me completely had this continued.

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